Why do we have to have buttons? And why is it that the people closest to us are the ones who know just which buttons to push and how to push them?
I haven't been on here in the last couple of weeks, because I've been wrestling with myself about whether I should even be writing at all. It seems that if I do, I'm going to step on somebody's toes, and I don't want to hurt anyone. But if I don't, I'm giving up a part of myself that is very important and satisfying to me. So who do I try to please? The button pushers or myself?
It was brought to my attention lately that one family member has decided not to speak to me anymore because of the entry I wrote about our grandmother. (Please see "To Grandmother's House We Go") He feels that I was being 'mean'. Perhaps. But the thing he doesn't seem to understand is, he was Golden. He was a child of Mama C's daughter, which in Mama's opinion made him much more closely related to her than my siblings and I were. Because we were birthed by someone that SHE did not give life to, we were the Devil's spawn. We had totally different memories of her because of that. That's not nice, but that's how she was. And to this family member I have to say...if you have beautiful memories of her, more power to you. Write about them. Keep them in your heart. Heck, build her a freakin' shrine. I don't care. These are my memories and getting all pissy about it won't change them.
The other button that was pushed for me lately has been pushed by yet another family member. A closer one. This one hurts.
About three weeks ago I was on the phone with said family member, (hereafter to be referred to as FM) and we were discussing weather and high school chums and reunions. As I was about to point out that I've discovered that all my old pals have gotten either old, fat, bald, or all of the above, and that even though I am "fluffier" that I've ever been, I wouldn't hesitate to go to a reunion...my FM, out of the goodness of his heart, I have no doubt, decided to cross over into an area that is not open for debate. I know he is concerned about my weight, and I appreciate that, but since said FM and I have not shared half a dozen meals together since puberty, FM has no idea what my eating habits are. He has no idea that I don't sit around shoving bonbons into my face and that I have a medical condition, one result of which is obesity. (See my entry on PCOS).
Since this is a subject that I am very sensitive about, I got angry and asked him not to 'go there'. He went there. I got madder, and the madder I got, the more I cussed. I must have dropped 2 dozen F bombs in as many seconds. I am not proud of this. He took offense to my language and hung up on me. Understandable.
What is NOT understandable is the fact that I have issued THREE sincere apologies for the language I used and I have offered to explain more about my condition so that maybe he can see that not every obese person has a character flaw that keeps them from 'putting the fork down'.
My beloved sister even stepped in and offered advice, which I not only appreciated, but took, that should have led to peace. It did, on my end, but since I have had no response from FM, I have to assume at this point that he is not interested in making peace. This is a huge loss in my life and if it is not resolved, my heart will hurt over it for the rest of my days.
So what happens now? Well, one thing I can guarantee you is this....FM is going to be even more furious that I've written about this at all, even though the names have been changed to protect the innocent. I think my beloved sister will understand that I'm not the baby anymore and I have to be true to myself. I've apologized over and over. I'm at the point I feel like I'm being punished. I'm 55 years old...I'm too old to be punished like a school girl. I can only hope that this will blow over sooner, rather than later. We don't have enough years left to hold any grudges.
Soooo.... I've decided that I have to please myself. In the end, we are all we have. Lovers leave, children grow up, family dies. So I will continue to use this blog as my therapist. It's cheap and it doesn't blame my mother for everything.
There is no rhyme or reason to this, just whatever happens to cross my mind.
Way back many years ago, when I was considering leaving a good marriage for my own reasons, I took that heartbreaking decision to our dad. He listened, then said, "Sis, are you afraid of what people will think?" I said yes, I was, and the husband was a wonderful man who didn't deserve to be hurt. Our dad thought only a moment, then said "Sis when you wake up at 2 in the morning there's nobody there who knows how you feel but you. You alone have to live with your decisions. Make your choice for yourself, and I'm with you no matter what you decide to do." We've all heard that to-thine-own-self-be-true stuff, but nobody could have said it better than Daddy. I think he'd probably tell you the same thing he told me, Baby Girl. Love, your sister
ReplyDeleteDaddy was a wise man wasn't he? I miss him so much.
ReplyDeleteYour comment brought tears to my eyes. I love you so much.
Love, YOUR sister :-)